Etiqueta: Humor

Chistes de aquí y de allá

[Hum}– Just married,… never would happen before

After the honeymoon he was meticulously and lovingly organizing his precious golf equipment.

She said:

—You know, dear, maybe now that we’re married you should give up golf.

He said:

—You know, you’re beginning to sound like my ex-wife.

She said:

—I didn’t know you were married before.

He said:

—I wasn’t.

Courtesy of Carmen O’Dogherty

[Hum}– About He and She

Every wife is a «Mistress» for her husband.
«Miss» for one hour and «stress» for the rest 23 hours!

~~~

There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman.
Before marriage and after marriage.

~~~

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.

~~~

Husband throwing darts at his wife’s photo and not even a single one hitting the target.
From another room wife called the husband: «Honey, what are you doing?»
Husband: «MISSING YOU».

~~~

Thought for the day.
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to and touched often. But push the wrong button and you’re disconnected.

~~~

Difference between complete and finish.
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is.

  • When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.
  • And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.
  • And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

~~~

Romantic SMS. She sends the following message:
«My love, if you’re sleeping, send me your dreams. If you’re smiling, send me your smile. If you’re crying, send me your tears. I love you».

He Replied: «I’m in the toilet. What do I send?».

~~~

There are 3 kinds of men in the world:

  1. Some remain single and make wonders happen.
  2. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
  3. The rest get married and wonder what happened!

~~~

The A B C…
After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly, then said: «You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H…. I, J, K.».

—She asks: «What does that mean?».

—He said: «Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey».

—She smiled happily and said: «Oh, that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?».

—He said: «I’m Just Kidding!».

His eye is still swollen, but it will get better.

~~~

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,

«Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?»
The other replied: «Yes I am, I married the wrong man».

Courtesy of Carmen O’Dogherty

[Hum}– Different diets

Two crocodiles were sunning themselves at the side of the river. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,

—I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size
as kids… I just don’t get it.

—Well— said the big croc—, what have you been eating?

—Politicians, same as you—, replied the small croc.

—Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?

—Down the other side of the gardens near the parking lot by the Government Center.

—Same here. Hmm… how do you catch them?

—Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them, and eat ‘em!

—Ah!— says the big crocodile—, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.