A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.  At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. 

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote ‘Revelation 3:20‘ on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message: ‘Genesis 3:10‘.
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. 

• ‘Revelation 3:20‘ begins: «Behold, I stand at the door and knock». 
• ‘Genesis 3:10‘ reads: «I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked».

Courtesy of Robert Meehan

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
• Red..…..: Cherry
• Yellow..: Lemon
• Green..: Lime
• Orange: Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.

Since none of the children could identify the taste, the teacher said,

—I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,

—Oh, my God! They’re ass-holes!

Courtesy of Oscar del Barco

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
• Sex is like air: It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
• No one is listening until you fart.
• Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
• That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
• If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
• If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
• Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
• Don’t worry: it only seems kinky the first time.
• Good judgment comes from bad experience,… and most of that comes from bad judgment.
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
• There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things just keep getting worse.
• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Courtesy of Manuel Alberto Gutiérrez

I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women: she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in  our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time, and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’. EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While  handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack, and when people browsed through, he yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’.

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH, NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here’. One of the clerks passed out.

The eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said,

—You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?

—Just a minute, I’ll have to ask my husband—, she said.

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:
—Bob, do we still have intercourse?

There was a complete hush; you could have heard a pin drop. Then Bob answered impatiently,

—If I told you once, Irma, I’ve told you a hundred times. What we have is Blue Cross!

Courtesy of Bob Meehan

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

—Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?

—Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,

—It looks like you have seen a lot of action.

—Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,

—You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said,

—You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

—1955, ma’am.

—Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to «relax» him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,

—Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, said,

—I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.

(Gotta love military time)

Courtesy of Bob Meehan