Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,
—Pour me a stiff one; just had another fight with the little woman.
—Oh yeah?—, said Charlie. —And how did this one end?
—When it was over—, Mike replied, —she came to me on her hands and knees.
—Really?—, said Charles. —Now that’s a switch! What did she say?
She said,
—Come out from under the bed, you little chicken!
Courtesy of Carmen O’Dogherty
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says,
—Sir, have you been drinking?
—Just water—, says the priest.
The trooper says,
—Then, why do I smell wine?
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
—Good Lord! He’s done it again!
Courtesy of Carmen O’Dogherty
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said,
—I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying,
—I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?»
Bill thought for a while and said,
—I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.
Hillary was shocked, but said,
—Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill,
—So, why do you have all that money in the box?
Bill answered:
—Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.
Courtesy of Bob Meehan
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled:
—Stop! Acts 2:38!
(Acts 2:38 says «Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven»).
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the Police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar:
—Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.
—Scripture!?’ — replied the burglar—. She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!
Courtesy of Robert Meehan
«¡Maldito, dos veces bastardo! ¿Dónde está ella?»
After the honeymoon he was meticulously and lovingly organizing his precious golf equipment.
She said:
—You know, dear, maybe now that we’re married you should give up golf.
He said:
—You know, you’re beginning to sound like my ex-wife.
She said:
—I didn’t know you were married before.
He said:
—I wasn’t.
Courtesy of Carmen O’Dogherty
Every wife is a «Mistress» for her husband.
«Miss» for one hour and «stress» for the rest 23 hours!
~~~
There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman.
Before marriage and after marriage.
~~~
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
~~~
Husband throwing darts at his wife’s photo and not even a single one hitting the target.
From another room wife called the husband: «Honey, what are you doing?»
Husband: «MISSING YOU».
~~~
Thought for the day.
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to and touched often. But push the wrong button and you’re disconnected.
~~~
Difference between complete and finish.
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is.
~~~
Romantic SMS. She sends the following message:
«My love, if you’re sleeping, send me your dreams. If you’re smiling, send me your smile. If you’re crying, send me your tears. I love you».
He Replied: «I’m in the toilet. What do I send?».
~~~
There are 3 kinds of men in the world:
~~~
The A B C…
After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly, then said: «You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H…. I, J, K.».
—She asks: «What does that mean?».
—He said: «Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey».
—She smiled happily and said: «Oh, that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?».
—He said: «I’m Just Kidding!».
His eye is still swollen, but it will get better.
~~~
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
«Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?»
The other replied: «Yes I am, I married the wrong man».
Courtesy of Carmen O’Dogherty
Two crocodiles were sunning themselves at the side of the river. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
—I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size
as kids… I just don’t get it.
—Well— said the big croc—, what have you been eating?
—Politicians, same as you—, replied the small croc.
—Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?
—Down the other side of the gardens near the parking lot by the Government Center.
—Same here. Hmm… how do you catch them?
—Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them, and eat ‘em!
—Ah!— says the big crocodile—, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.
Padronel 