Etiqueta: joke

[Hum}– Lawyer and wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,

—What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it.

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

—They’re not hanging Wright tonight—, she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

—FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!

[Hum}– A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church

A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. 

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak, and finally the drunk replies: 

—No use knockin’, mate, there’s no paper in this one either!

Courtesy of Bob Meehan

[Hum}– Fifty years wedding anniversary

A couple was celebrating 50 years together.  Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
—Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad. —gushed son number one. —Sorry I’m running late.  I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient. You know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.

—Not to worry —said the father—. The important thing is that we’re all together today.

Son number two arrived and announced,

—You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.

—It’s nothing, — said the father—. We’re glad you were able to come.

Just then the daughter arrived. 

—Hello and happy anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.
After they had finished dessert, the father said, 

—There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.  You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.  Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.
The three children gasped and all said,

—You mean we’re bastards!?

—Yep, — said the father —. And cheap ones too.

Courtesy of Bob Meehan