Etiqueta: joke

[Hum}– Texas Redneck

His name was Bubba, he was from Texas, He needed a loan, so he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan
officer.

He told the loan officer he was going to Paris for a international redneck festival for two weeks, and needed to borrow $5,000, and he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him they would need some kind of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car for the collateral, and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and officers had a good laugh at the Redneck from Texas for using a $250,000 dollar Ferrari for a $5,000 loan. An employee later drove the car to the bank’s private underground parking garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned; repaid the $5,000 loan and $23.07 interest. The loan officer said,

—Sir, we are very happy to have your business, but we are puzzled. While you were away we checked Dunn and Bradstreet and found out you are a distinguished alumni from Texas A&M; a very sophisticated investor and a multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines at Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is why would you borrow $5,000?

The good ole boy replies,

—Where else in New York City can I park my car for $23.07 for two weeks and expect it to be there when I return.

Keep a eye on those Texas boys!

Courtesy of Bob Meehan

[Hum}– Little Johnny,… again

The teacher asked the class to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said,

—My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.

The teacher said,

—That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’, not ‘fascinating’.

Sally raised her hand. She said,

—My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.

The teacher said,

—Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.

Johnny said,

—My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only ‘fasten eight’

Courtesy of Bob Meehan

   

[Hum}– Would you remarry?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in  bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question.

WIFE:  «What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?»
HUSBAND:  «Definitely not!»
WIFE: «Why not?  Don’t you like being married?»
HUSBAND:  «Of course I do»
WIFE:  «Then why wouldn’t you remarry?»
HUSBAND: «Okay, okay, I’d get married again»
WIFE:  «You would?» (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE:  «Would you live in our house?»
HUSBAND: «Sure, it’s a great house»
WIFE:  «Would you sleep with her in our bed?»
HUSBAND: «Where else would we sleep?»
WIFE:  «Would you let her drive my car?»
HUSBAND:  «Probably, it is almost new»
WIFE:  «Would you replace my pictures with hers?»
HUSBAND: «That would seem like the proper thing to do»
WIFE:  «Would you give her my jewelry?»
HUSBAND:  «No, I’m sure she’d want her own»
WIFE:  «Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND:  «Yes, those are always good times»
WIFE:  «Would she use my golf clubs?»
HUSBAND:  «No, she’s left-handed»
WIFE: (dead silence)
HUSBAND: «Shit!»

[Hum}– Best method: Telling the truth

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed, so the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.

While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to a beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and he found himself in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he knows is it was 3:00 o’clock.

—Oh, my god, my wife is going to kill me! —he exclaimed—. Quick give me some talcum powder!

The girl gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious.

—Where the hell have you been!

He says,

—Well, to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with a beautiful blonde and I slept with her.

—Let me see your hands!—, she demands.

He shows his wife his powdery hands.

—Damn liar, you were out bowling again!

[Hum}– Unfaithful wife

A man received a message from his neighbor:

—Sorry, Sir, I am using your wife day and night, when you are not present at home. In fact, more than you. I confess because now I feel very much guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies.

And the man shot his wife.

A few minutes later he received another message :

—Sorry, Sir: spelling mistake. Not wife: wi-fi.

Cortesía de Eva Matute

[Hum}– The power of the Scripture

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled:

—Stop. Acts 2:38 (Which says: «Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven»).    

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the Police and explained what she had done.  

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar:

—Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell scripture at you.  

—Scripture!? —replied the burglar—. She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!  

Courtesy of Bob Meehan

[Hum]– No good look at all

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,

—I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.

—Me neither, doc —said the husband—. But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids

[Hum}– Divorce sentence

—Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully —the divorce Court Judge said—, and I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.

—That’s very fair, your honor —the husband said—. And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.