Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk’. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

He got an A.

Courtesy of Bob Meehan

When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I didn’t pass the entrance exam.

One of the questions was «Rearrange the letters ‘P N E S I’ to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect«.

Those who spelled SPINE became Doctors…The rest of us ended up working, directly or indirectly, for the Government.

Courtesy of Bob Meehan

Mona Lisa’s Jewish mother:

«After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?»

Christopher Columbus’ Jewish mother:

«I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you didn’t call, you didn’t write».

Michelangelo’s Jewish mother:

«A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children?

Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz (dirt) off the ceiling?».

Napoleon’s Jewish mother:

«You’re not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket now and show me!»

Abraham Lincoln’s Jewish mother:

«Again with that hat! Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?»

George Washington’s Jewish mother:

«Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance good-bye!»

Albert Einstein’s Jewish mother:

«Your senior photograph and you couldn’t have done something with your hair?»

Moses’ Jewish mother:

«Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?»

Bill Gates’ Jewish mother:

«It would have killed you to become a doctor?».

Bill Clinton’s Jewish mother:

«Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica»-

Courtesy of Fernando Lacoste

Little Bruce and Margaret are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Margaret’s father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,

—Mr. Smith, me and Margaret are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,

—Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,

—In Margaret’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,

—Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Margaret.

Again, Bruce instantly replies,

—Our allowance, Margaret makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.

Mr. Smith is impressed: Bruce has put so much thought into this.

—Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,

—Well, we’ve been lucky so far.

Mr. Smith no longer thinks this little shit is adorable.

Courtesy of Bob Meehan

I was in a bar last Saturday night, and drank a few brews. I noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked,

—Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?

One of them chirped saying,

—It’s WALES, you friggin’ idiot!

So, I immediately apologized and said,

—I’m sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?

That’s pretty much the last thing I remember.

Courtesy of Manuel Alberto Gutiérrez

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says,

—A hamburger, fries and a coke.

The waitress turns to the ostrich,

—What’s yours?

—I’ll have the same—, says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

—That will be $9.40, please.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,

—A hamburger, fries and a coke.

The ostrich says,

—I’ll have the same.
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.

—The usual?—, asks the waitress.
—No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad—, says the man.
—Same—, says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,

—That will be $32.62.
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

—Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?
—Well—, says the man—, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.
—That’s brilliant!—, says the waitress. —Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!
—That’s right..Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there—, says the man.
The waitress asks,

—What’s with the ostrich?
The man sighs, pauses and answers,

—My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

—What do you think you’re doing?—, asks the wife.

—They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans—, he replies.

—Put them back, we can’t afford them—, demands the wife.

And so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

—What do you think you’re doing?—, asks the husband.

—It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful—, replies the wife.

Her husband retorts:

—So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.

Courtesy of Robert Meehan