Etiqueta: he and she

[Hum}– Best method: Telling the truth

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed, so the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.

While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to a beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and he found himself in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he knows is it was 3:00 o’clock.

—Oh, my god, my wife is going to kill me! —he exclaimed—. Quick give me some talcum powder!

The girl gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious.

—Where the hell have you been!

He says,

—Well, to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with a beautiful blonde and I slept with her.

—Let me see your hands!—, she demands.

He shows his wife his powdery hands.

—Damn liar, you were out bowling again!

[Hum}– Sweet wife

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice. 

—What do you think? —I asked —. Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?

—Better get a bikini, —he replied—. You’d never get it all in one.

He’s still in intensive care.

[Hum}– Lawyer and wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,

—What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it.

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

—They’re not hanging Wright tonight—, she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

—FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!

[Hum}– Irish. Couple fight

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,

—Pour me a stiff one; just had another fight with the little woman.

—Oh yeah?—, said Charlie. —And how did this one end?

—When it was over—, Mike replied, —she came to me on her hands and knees.

—Really?—, said Charles. —Now that’s a switch! What did she say?

She said,

—Come out from under the bed, you little chicken!

Courtesy of Carmen O’Dogherty

[Hum}– About He and She

Every wife is a «Mistress» for her husband.
«Miss» for one hour and «stress» for the rest 23 hours!

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There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman.
Before marriage and after marriage.

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My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.

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Husband throwing darts at his wife’s photo and not even a single one hitting the target.
From another room wife called the husband: «Honey, what are you doing?»
Husband: «MISSING YOU».

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Thought for the day.
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to and touched often. But push the wrong button and you’re disconnected.

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Difference between complete and finish.
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is.

  • When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.
  • And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.
  • And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

~~~

Romantic SMS. She sends the following message:
«My love, if you’re sleeping, send me your dreams. If you’re smiling, send me your smile. If you’re crying, send me your tears. I love you».

He Replied: «I’m in the toilet. What do I send?».

~~~

There are 3 kinds of men in the world:

  1. Some remain single and make wonders happen.
  2. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
  3. The rest get married and wonder what happened!

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The A B C…
After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly, then said: «You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H…. I, J, K.».

—She asks: «What does that mean?».

—He said: «Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey».

—She smiled happily and said: «Oh, that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?».

—He said: «I’m Just Kidding!».

His eye is still swollen, but it will get better.

~~~

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,

«Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?»
The other replied: «Yes I am, I married the wrong man».

Courtesy of Carmen O’Dogherty