Categoría: Humor

Chistes de aquí y de allá

[Hum}– British humor: The journalism truth

An Israeli is on vacation and is visiting a zoo in England when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside his cage, right under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The Israeli runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the Israeli brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him profusely.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says to the Israeli:

—Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve ever seen a man do in my lifetime.

The Israeli replies,

—Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little girl in danger and acted as I felt right.

The reporter says,

—Well, I’ll make sure this doesn’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, what country are you from, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?

The Israeli replies,

—I’m from Israel. I serve in the Israeli army and I vote for the Likud.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the Israeli buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

“RIGHT-WING ISRAELI ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH».

Courtesy of Manuel A. Gutiérrez

[Hum}– The candy with the little hole

clip_image001

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
• Red..…..: Cherry
• Yellow..: Lemon
• Green..: Lime
• Orange: Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.

Since none of the children could identify the taste, the teacher said,

—I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,

—Oh, my God! They’re ass-holes!

Courtesy of Oscar del Barco

[Hum}– El ancianato

Tres abuelas sinvergüenzonas estaban sentadas en uno de los bancos del jardín de su ancianato y, al ver que Bill, un viejito bisabuelo y huésped también del mismo ancianato, se acercaba a ellas, una le gritó:

—Bill, te apuesto a que podemos adivinar la edad exacta que tienes.

Bill se detuvo en seco y respondió:

—Lo dudo. ¡No hay forma de que ustedes sepan cuántos años tengo!

clip_image001Entonces, una de las viejitas dijo:

—Por supuesto que sí podemos. Bájate los pantalones y los calzoncillos y te diremos exactamente cuántos años tienes.

Avergonzado, pero decidido a demostrar que las viejitas no podrían lograr lo que decían, Bill hizo lo que éstas le habían pedido.

Ya con calzoncillos y pantalones caídos sobre sus tobillos, las abuelitas le pidieron que diera dos vueltas sobre sí mismo y que saltara después seis veces.

Más decidido que antes, Bill hizo todo eso, y cuando terminó, las viejitas dijeron al unísono:

—¡Tienes 93 años!

Con su ropa aún caída sobre los tobillos, Bill preguntó:

—¿Cómo carajo adivinaron ustedes mi edad?

Chocando rodilla con rodilla, celebrando entre ellas con «choca esos cinco», y con sonrisas de oreja a oreja, las tres viejitas gritaron:

—¡Estuvimos ayer en tu fiesta de cumpleaños!

Cortesía de Carmen O’Dogherty

[Hum}– Twenty fundamental Zen teachings

  • Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
  • Sex is like air: It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
  • No one is listening until you fart.
  • Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
  • That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
  • If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
  • Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
  • Don’t worry: it only seems kinky the first time.
  • Good judgment comes from bad experience,… and most of that comes from bad judgment.
  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  • There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things just keep getting worse.
  • Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Courtesy of Manuel Alberto Gutiérrez

[Hum}– A retired and bored husband

I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women: she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in  our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time, and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’. EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While  handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack, and when people browsed through, he yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’.

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH, NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here’. One of the clerks passed out.