Two crocodiles were sunning themselves at the side of the river. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,

—I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size
as kids… I just don’t get it.

—Well— said the big croc—, what have you been eating?

—Politicians, same as you—, replied the small croc.

—Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?

—Down the other side of the gardens near the parking lot by the Government Center.

—Same here. Hmm… how do you catch them?

—Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them, and eat ‘em!

—Ah!— says the big crocodile—, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk’. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

He got an A.

Courtesy of Bob Meehan

When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I didn’t pass the entrance exam.

One of the questions was «Rearrange the letters ‘P N E S I’ to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect«.

Those who spelled SPINE became Doctors…The rest of us ended up working, directly or indirectly, for the Government.

Courtesy of Bob Meehan

Mona Lisa’s Jewish mother:

«After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?»

Christopher Columbus’ Jewish mother:

«I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you didn’t call, you didn’t write».

Michelangelo’s Jewish mother:

«A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children?

Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz (dirt) off the ceiling?».

Napoleon’s Jewish mother:

«You’re not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket now and show me!»

Abraham Lincoln’s Jewish mother:

«Again with that hat! Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?»

George Washington’s Jewish mother:

«Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance good-bye!»

Albert Einstein’s Jewish mother:

«Your senior photograph and you couldn’t have done something with your hair?»

Moses’ Jewish mother:

«Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?»

Bill Gates’ Jewish mother:

«It would have killed you to become a doctor?».

Bill Clinton’s Jewish mother:

«Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica»-

Courtesy of Fernando Lacoste