La señora le dijo al psiquiatra en una fiesta:
—Me gustaría que examinara usted a mi marido. Les habla a sus plantas.
Acotó el analista:
—Muchas personas les hablan a sus plantas.
Y dice la señora:
—¿Por teléfono?
Categoría: Humor
Chistes de aquí y de allá
[Hum}– Mandamientos del vago
[Hum}– Just married,… never would happen before
After the honeymoon he was meticulously and lovingly organizing his precious golf equipment.
She said:
—You know, dear, maybe now that we’re married you should give up golf.
He said:
—You know, you’re beginning to sound like my ex-wife.
She said:
—I didn’t know you were married before.
He said:
—I wasn’t.
Courtesy of Carmen O’Dogherty
[Hum}– Colon irritado
[Hum}– Vecino persistente
Le dice un tipo a otro:
—Mi vecino me tiene cansado: todos los días me toca el timbre a las 4 de la madrugada y me insulta.
—¿Y tú qué haces?
—Nada, sigo tocando la batería.
[Hum}– The Euro English
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.
- In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly this will make sivil servants jump with joy.
- The hard “c” will be dropped on favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboard can have one less letter.
- There will be growing public enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
- In the third year, public akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more kompllkated changes are possible.
- Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
- Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the language is disgraful and it should go away.
- By the fourth yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
- During ze fifz yer, ze uneseary “o” kan be dropd from vords containing “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
- Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu inderstand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Urop vil finali kum tru.
- Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Courtesy of Carmen O’Dogherty
[Hum}– De actualidad en España
Le he pedido a mi marido que me llevase a ver «Los Miserables» y hemos estado media hora sentados frente a la puerta del Congreso, viéndolos entrar y salir.
Cortesía de Charo Bodega
[Hum}– About He and She
Every wife is a «Mistress» for her husband.
«Miss» for one hour and «stress» for the rest 23 hours!
~~~
There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman.
Before marriage and after marriage.
~~~
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
~~~
Husband throwing darts at his wife’s photo and not even a single one hitting the target.
From another room wife called the husband: «Honey, what are you doing?»
Husband: «MISSING YOU».
~~~
Thought for the day.
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to and touched often. But push the wrong button and you’re disconnected.
~~~
Difference between complete and finish.
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is.
- When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.
- And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.
- And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!
~~~
Romantic SMS. She sends the following message:
«My love, if you’re sleeping, send me your dreams. If you’re smiling, send me your smile. If you’re crying, send me your tears. I love you».
He Replied: «I’m in the toilet. What do I send?».
~~~
There are 3 kinds of men in the world:
- Some remain single and make wonders happen.
- Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
- The rest get married and wonder what happened!
~~~
The A B C…
After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly, then said: «You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H…. I, J, K.».
—She asks: «What does that mean?».
—He said: «Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey».
—She smiled happily and said: «Oh, that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?».
—He said: «I’m Just Kidding!».
His eye is still swollen, but it will get better.
~~~
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
«Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?»
The other replied: «Yes I am, I married the wrong man».
Courtesy of Carmen O’Dogherty
[Hum}– Reclamación al hotel
Desesperado y molesto, el esposo llama a la recepción del hotel y dice.
—Por favor, ¡que alguien venga de inmediato porque estoy teniendo una discusión con mi esposa y ella dice que va a saltar por la ventana!
La señorita de la recepción le responde:
—Señor, ése es un asunto personal.
A lo cual el alterado esposo replica:
—Efectivamente, pero la ventana no abre, y eso ya es un problema de mantenimiento del hotel.
Cortesía de Charo Bodega
Padronel 