A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. 

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak, and finally the drunk replies: 

—No use knockin’, mate, there’s no paper in this one either!

Courtesy of Bob Meehan

*Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

*Man: Yes.

*Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

*Man: Around 3 six-packs, starting at noon.

*Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

*Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

*Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

*Man: 15 years.

*Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?

*Man: Correct.

*Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

*Man: Correct.

*Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Porsche?

*Man: Do you drink?

*Lady Interviewer: No.

*Man: So. where’s your Porsche?

Courtesy of Silvia Otsberg de Navarro

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says,

—Sir, have you been drinking?

—Just water—, says the priest.

The trooper says,

—Then, why do I smell wine?

The priest looks at the bottle and says,

—Good Lord! He’s done it again!

Courtesy of Carmen O’Dogherty