• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
• Sex is like air: It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
• No one is listening until you fart.
• Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
• That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
• If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
• If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
• Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
• Don’t worry: it only seems kinky the first time.
• Good judgment comes from bad experience,… and most of that comes from bad judgment.
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
• There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things just keep getting worse.
• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Courtesy of Manuel Alberto Gutiérrez